The 5 Stages of Grief

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance: These stages of the grief often represent a lifetime process, not an end in themselves. Each stage may reoccur throughout a person’s life, triggered by thoughts, memories, and events. Not everyone experiences them all; in fact, no single person experiences loss exactly as anyone else. How you experience each stage may radically differ from someone else. The process is as unique as you are. Take a minute to read the rudimentary review of the five stages, which follows:

Denial — The upper and lower lobes of the brain seem almost at odds during this stage of grief. Intellectually, we know we have suffered a loss, but the part of the brain that avoids pain, won’t invite the sad reality. In a way, it protects us from being overwhelmed all at once. This stage can throw a person into a state of numbness or even shock. The body and the mind may go on autopilot to prepare for burials, memorials, or other ceremonies. This is a time when you should not expect too much from yourself: Just do what feels right and take care of your basic needs as best you can. Moreover, try to stay in contact with others. As this stage comes and goes, you may find yourself doing such things as dialing the phone number of your lost loved one, only to realize midway through that he or she is no longer there. Your whole psyche needs to get used to the idea of the loss, and it will do so naturally, at its own pace.

Anger — Where denial protects the self from too much pain, it can be said that anger represents sadness turned inside out, and we may not yet feel prepared to let sadness take its stronghold. During this stage, we struggle with life’s most mysterious questions: Why did this happen? Why now? Why to me? Why to my loved one? And when less and less answers come our way, we want to pound our fists on the pavement and wail with frustration. We try to assign blame: doctors, caregivers, friends, the deceased, even God, and ourselves. We start to question what we could have done differently. Your feelings during this stage are real, and all times of flaring anger represent a critical time to voice your thoughts to an objective counselor or clergy member. It is then also helpful to take a brisk walk to sort them all through. The recent events have your blood pumping in need of an outlet. Be kind to yourself during this time and, if you are ready, allow others to care and support you also.

Bargaining — One may be familiar with the bargaining that comes when faced with a long illness or immediately after a traumatic event, when the brain tries to compromise with God. Please Lord, if I just . . .[fill in the blank] then all will be well again. After our loved one dies, we experience a searching, as if perhaps it were all a bad dream. This pleading need to alter circumstances is also quite normal. It is difficult to change what things we can in our lives, until we accept the things we can’t.

Depression - Feeling depressed after loss is normal and even healthy. The loss is real. Losing a loved one, or a job or witnessing a traumatic event is upsetting. Nothing anyone can say or do will make the loss go away.

Acceptance — This stage reconnects us to the living, but does not forget the deceased, as we will never forget who they were and how they touched our lives. Acceptance moves forward and looks back but it does not stare. It is a time of enabling realities: It cleans the dishes, and puts oil in the car. It sometimes calls the boss and sets a date for our return. It goes to church or synagogue to worship not just to mourn and it attends therapy, not only for healing, but also for the ensuing growth.

by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW