Getting intimate without ever taking your clothes off

Posted by: Center for Growth Therapists

Getting intimate without ever taking your clothes off developed at Sex Therapy in Philadelphia / Center for Growth.  Do you ever hear your wife say, “my partner always initiates sex, I wish it was me sometimes, but I just don’t feel sexy enough and I’m not in the mood.” There is definitely a connection between feeling sexy and feeling confident. The sexier you feel, the more confident you can become in the bedroom. The more confidence you have in the bedroom, the more willing you will be to initiate, experiment, and overall enjoy your sexual experience more with your partner. If your partner rarely initiates sex and wishes she would do it more often, here are a few simple and fun ways to increase and enhance your partner’s perception of her sexual self.

Most women who struggle with finding their sexiness often pinpoint their jobs, or their drained energy after work as part of the problem. If your female partner is a teacher, a mother, or a business woman, sometimes their roles do not make them feel sexy, and all they want to do is to come home and be comfortable, which may mean putting on that 20 year old stained college sweatshirt for the umpteenth time. They love you and don’t want to be judged, but now they are too comfortable, they reeled you in, and they’ve gotten sloppy. This is usually where the problem lies when it comes to the feeling sexy issue. What is it that your woman is putting on post-work? There is nothing more tempting than a pair of sweatpants and a baggy old sweatshirt. However, that outfit just screams “I am in for the night, and you are not getting laid!” If you are the type of person who believes at least partly, you are what you wear, then who are you when you wear your old stained college sweatshirt with oversized pajama pants? Now, for the cautious readers out there, this is not where I now explain the benefits of garter belts and thongs. This is however, where I instruct you on exploring your closet and how to get back in touch with your sexual self, all with your clothes on.

For all the partners who watch your loved one slip right into the most non-sexy non sexual intimate outfits at 5:15pm everyday, your welcome. This is for once, your chance for productive and positive input to help your woman feel sexier and ready for more intimacy without needing to go to a sex therapist for sex therapy!

Grab your partner and take a walk through her closet, or pajama drawer. Start with your “lounge wear.” Walk her through each piece of lounge wear she has, the camisoles, the pajama bottoms, the t-shirts, etc. This is a great an opportunity for both partners to share what each of you like in your woman’s pajama drawer. How much would your pay to burn that 10 year old pair of medical scrubs that she claims she just can’t do without? What’s the item that your woman wears that just makes you want to jump her right then and there? The goal you are trying to achieve here is to find just a few comfy outfits that have a balance. These comfy outfits allow your woman to hang around the house with you feeling relaxed in the outfit of choice, but also are more appealing, and not off putting when it comes to sex. Such outfits may include black tank tops, or a cute t-shirt with just boy shorts, or sleeker more form fitting elastic waste pants. The only way you will truly find out what the outfits are is by engaging in this activity with your partner.

Once you have gone through the pajama drawer, step it up and move to the underwear drawer. Go through all of the underwear she owns and ask her, “what mood are you in when you wear this?” Ask this question for all her undergarments, her strapless bras, lacy bras, thongs, boy shorts, shear underwear, etc. The goal here is to help her identify the piece of underwear that she loves, and feels her ultimate best in. The way I would define a favorite piece of clothing is if it’s something that you save for only specific times or occasions, or maybe just once a week. It is an item that no matter the day or the reason, you look forward to wearing it. Does your woman have a favorite black bra, or a specific pair of laced panties, or a thong that she purposely waits to wear each week because she values them over her other pairs of underwear more, and feels great when she puts them on. This is also a great opportunity for you to share your input of your favorites as well, are they similar answers to your female partner’s, are they items that she would have never guessed?

The next step is to get her to wear the identified item. You can either ask her to model them for you; this would be a great follow up question to those who directly asked “what is your favorite pair of underwear?” Simply ask, “Would you model them for me? I want to see you in them.” Once she does, be genuine and positive in your response, and be patient for her to come around to feeling sexy and feeling confident in these items. Compliments and encouraging comments do go a long way! Telling her she needs sex therapy is not recommended!

If you would like a more indirect way of finding out what your woman likes to wear, you can simply find out while in the middle of daily mundane tasks like doing the laundry, or getting dress or undressed for the day or night. While in the middle of these tasks, ask her about the item(s) that you are folding, or that she is wearing. A sexier approach could be undressing her piece by piece, and asking/commenting on each items you take off. Such comments could include “I love how your shoulders look in this top,” or “I love looking at your butt in those pants.” Be sure to get her input on each item as well. (A tip when identifying the favorite underwear, keep in mind it’s not what you feel she looks best in, it’s what you know she feels best in.)

Bonus Intimacy Exercise (for the advanced sex therapy couple) : A follow up to the underwear activity developed at Sex Therapy in Philadelphia. A few days after you and partner try the underwear exercise, as a sign of appreciation and acknowledgment for your female partner, go to her favorite lingerie store and pick out a new pair of underwear that would be a great addition to her favorite items, and don’t forget the guiding question: what would she feel best in? This is for you to show your support and demonstrate your listening skills. By doing this you are showing her that you do find her sexy, and so much so that you want her in specific items to really accentuate and show off her sexiness. Believe it or not, your act of trying will go a long way, and the effort alone will make her feel loved and supported. Most importantly, once she recognizes that you have been thinking outside the box with trying such a unique activity, she may just do a similar gesture back, and you may get lucky!

This is a very unique, but extremely beneficial exercise because ideally it should put you in a new and more intimate place with your female partner. This is an opportunity to show and have more of an investment in your relationship and in your female partner’s emotions and her inner thoughts. What is it like for you to be so invested, and to get to know her inner thoughts? This type of exercise invites you to go where not many have gone when it comes to intimacy with a female partner. What is it like to know she is revealing this much to you? This exercise is a chance to deepen the connection between the two of you in a safe way, while helping both of you have a better understanding of each other an a very intimate way. Another question you may want to ask yourself after the exercise is, was it difficult to get her to accept responsibility for her own sexuality? While our partners are a significant influence and help in building on our confidence and helping us feel sexy, we as individuals also have a part in it as well. Sometimes, it’s a difficult reality to face when our lack of confidence or issues with sexuality most have to do with our own perception and our own choices. What was that like for you to watch your female partner go through the process exploring and owning up to her sexuality? Did she own up and take responsibility for her sexuality? It’s not an easy task, which is why it would be a great gesture to now turn the tables and share with her what you wear and why.

Still struggling? Keeping reading our sexual self help articles, or schedule an appointment for relationship counseling / sex therapy in Center City, Philadelphia. 267-324-9564.