How to Engage in Spanking with a Partner
Are you and your partner interested in spanking but do not know where to start? Trying something new can be fun and exciting, but also overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Below, I will provide a step-by-step spanking exercise for you and your partner to try.
Step 1: Spanking Fantasy
First, we need to figure out your desires. What is enticing about spanking for you and your partner? How do you expect spanking will go? What do you picture in your head when you fantasize about spanking? For this first part, you and your partner can write down what you are most curious to try on separate pieces of paper. The fantasy can also be particular and include behaviors of your partner or verbal statements that you want to say. For example “I want my partner to direct me onto the bed and tell me to get on my hands and knees” or “I want my partner to punish me with five spanks to my bottom.” You can also express what sensations you want to feel and what you enjoy about that feeling. You can write “I look forward to feeling the tingling sensation after you spank me when the blood rushes to the spot you hit.”
Step 2: Preparation
It is essential for you and your partner to discuss expectations and concerns. It can be expected to feel nervous and weird before trying spanking. Just be sure to communicate thoughts and feelings with each other. For example, discuss how long you expect the spanking to last, what will be said, and what will be done. Discuss your limits: what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. If you and your partner are only comfortable with the smallest amount of sensation, then this expectation will be important when choosing a tool for spanking. Maybe you do not know what you will and will not be okay with. That’s why picking safe words are important! Green, Yellow, Red are common safe word choices. Green means I like that keep going! Yellow means this intensity is good stay here. Red means stop and cease all activity and check on your partner. Check in’s are also beneficial during the spanking as well to make sure that your partner is feeling good. For example, lean in close to them and ask “are you okay?” If you are new to spanking, I would suggest choosing the role of either the spanker or spankee and keeping that role for the day. Switching roles may be challenging and keeping the same role will give you a better look into how the role resonates with you. Each role has unique components, which could make switching roles confusing. For example, when you are being spanked, you are in a more submissive role in which you receive the sensation. Switching roles can be done, but you may not get the full experience unless you take on that role for a period of time.
Step 3: Choose your tool
Let’s say both you and your partner want to try spanking, but feel awkward and do not know what to do first. Well there are a few options here. You have to choose what tool you want to use! Safety is extremely important to remember when spanking. Spanking should be done on places that tend to have more fat/cushion for the impact, such as the butt or thighs. Never spank above the peak of the buttocks because you can damage the kidneys or tail-bone. 70% of spanking is often done on the fattiest part of the bottom. The other 30% can occur on upper thighs and “sit spot” (the part of your bottom you sit on). Here are some ideas and aspects you want to consider before moving forward.
Hand: For those who can use their hands, this option is easily accessible and effective! Using hands are great for beginners because hands provide the mildest sensation. You can either cup your hand, spread your fingers or use your fist for a more powerful sensation. Each hand position feels different for the spanker. Try them out and see which works best for you. The downside to using hands is that the spanker can get worn out quickly and the spanker might prefer not to feel the sensation when they spank their partner.
Flat Hairbrush: This option can often be found in the home and is excellent for those who are interested in the sensational experience of the paddle, but are not yet ready to commit to one. The hairbrush will provide a more “deep” impact on the spankee. It is important to start slow because now the spanker will not be able to feel the impact like they would feel with a hand. Start slow and utilize safe words. You could also use the bristle side of the brush to drag across skin to experience a different sensation. The drawback to this tool is that the material is not made for sensations or spanking. The hairbrush could break and the plastic material might not be ideal for spanking sensations.
Paddle: Most local intimacy/ sex shops will have a variety of paddles to choose from that will include different fabrics, weights, and shapes. Lightweight leather/pleather is a great place to start because the impact and severity is easy to control and some enjoy the softness of leather on the skin..
Step 4: Choosing a day!
Make sure that you pick a day where you know you and your partner will have a safe, quiet, and private place. The last thing you want is to be disturbed when you finally have made an effort to try your spanking fantasy. Choosing a day can look a bunch of different ways. If you have children, you may be more comfortable to try spanking when you do not have to worry about them. Or you can introduce spanking once you and your partner have discussed and agreed on everything. Depending on the person, spanking can be loud or quiet. Some people may moan or even yell when spanked, while some make little to no sound. If you are unsure whether the spanking session will be loud or quiet, choosing a day or time to test out the waters may be helpful.
Step 5: Get in position
There are a bunch of different positions from which you can pick. Spanking does not necessarily have to be during sex. You can spank without having sex and experience the sensation and power dynamic. Starting with these positions may be helpful to understand what positions, intensity, and tools that you enjoy best. You can create a plot line with your partner or spanking can be out of the blue. For example, you can plan out methodically exactly what you want to happen or can be organic and spontaneous. The beauty of spanking is that you can create the experience in whichever way you want. Of course, you can also try spanking during sex too in different positions such as when you are on top, doggie style, or missionary.
Bent over: The person getting spanked can bend over the bed, couch, sink, table, chair, etc, while the “spanker” stands behind or beside them.
All fours: The partner getting spanked can lie on their forearms and knees on the floor or bed. This position allows the spanker to have easy access to the spanking parts and can be the most comfortable for some.
Over the lap: The partner getting spanked can lie across their partners lap. Some people enjoy this position because the position can be intimate yet humiliating whereas others may not find the position humiliating yet intimate, but enjoy it for the positions comfort or spanking experience.
Step 5: Aftercare
Spanking can be emotionally and physically exhausting! After the session is complete, aftercare is an excellent way to intimately connect with your partner, including cuddles, soft touches, and kisses! The spanked partner might need tending too because they may be more exhausted. Be sure to hold them as long as they need. Physical aftercare may also be necessary. For example, taking a hot bath or icing the spanked area may feel nice on the body. Depending on how affected or open the area is, putting antibacterial ointment can help prevent any infections.
These steps are meant to be guidelines for those who are new to spanking and want to give spanking a try. If you need any additional information or have any questions, talking to a therapist can be helpful. Feel free to contact the Center for Growth to explore your options.