There are a lot of associations with pornography. Just saying “I like pornography” aloud, never mind to your girlfriend, can conjure up several different feelings and beliefs. Some of these automatic thoughts can be negative; however, porn isn’t inherently bad. It can be a wonderful sexual tool for you and your girlfriend. Therefore, how do you get your resistant girlfriend into porn knowing that certain stigmas against pornography exist?
A Quick Disclaimer
Before going forward, it’s important to address certain issues. Perhaps the biggest one is sex; a man trying to convince a woman to watch porn can carry a certain message due to gender norms. It would be similar to a man persuading his female partner to work out more. Both exercise and pornography have benefits to them; however, one also has to consider the context for women. For instance, there’s more of a push for women to be skinny, and they also have a history of objectification. Essentially, if you’re trying to get your resistant girlfriend to see the benefits of pornography, be aware of the legitimate, social factors that’ll make it difficult. With this caveat in mind, what is the first step of introducing porn into the relationship?
First Identify Your Partner’s Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors
So, you want to use porn to enhance your sex life with your partner. However, she is pretty resistant to pornography. Therefore, before you introduce a porn video to your partner, you have to understand some of their sexual attitudes and behaviors first. This allows you to best tailor that introductory video. For example, if your girlfriend is especially sensitive to perceived violence, you shouldn’t show her a video that contains slapping or choking. That’ll just drive her even further from porn. To prevent that from happening, try asking yourself some of these questions:
- “What are my girlfriend’s red flags concerning sex?”
- “What does my girlfriend usually need to be ready for sex?”
- “Which sexual acts completely turn my girlfriend off?”
- “What about sex does my girlfiend love?”
- “Does she love the emotional intimacy?”
- “Does she love the self-care aspect of sex?”
- “Does she simply like the physical components of sex?”
- “What tends to turn my girlfriend on?”
- “What makes my girlfriend feel safe and secure while having sex?”
Once again, you want to ease your resistant girlfriend into pornography. You want her to know that porn doesn’t always have to be this terrible thing. To help facilitate this, you want to show your resistant girlfriend porn that reflects their tastes and beliefs. Knowing the answers to the above questions simply aids in this. If you’re unsure of your partner’s sexual attitudes and behaviors, use this as opportunity to discover them. Don’t even bring up the subject of porn; simply talk to your girlfriend about her preferences. After all, it’s more important to know what your partner enjoys rather than trying to getting them into porn.
Have an open, honest conversation about sex where the two of you can express your thoughts and feelings. Ask the above questions that explore your girlfriend’s sexual attitudes and comforts. The information will help the relationship’s sex life, and can eventually help you find the right porn for your partner. Now that you have an understanding of your girlfriend’s sexual attitudes and behaviors, assess the prospective video’s emotional labor.
Assessing the Porn Video’s Emotional Labor
Emotional labor is the process of emphasizing and/or suppressing certain emotions that are deemed appropriate in the situation. Putting on a brave face when we’re scared, or being friendly at work when we’re grumpy are both examples of emotional labor. Nevertheless, how does this apply to pornography?
Research has shown that consumers of pornography are sensitive to the perceived emotional labor of the actors. This sensitivity is especially present for female consumers of porn. In other words, if it seems as though the actress doesn’t really want to have sex, is bored, or even coerced, the porn viewer would have difficulty enjoying the sexual imagery. To assess the emotional labor of the porn that you want to show your partner, ask yourself the following questions:
- “Does this feel ‘fake’?”
- “How would I rate the authenticity of this porn video?”
- “Do the actors seem like they’re having fun?”
- “Which emotions can I recognize in the video?”
- “Do all of the actors seem like they’re in control over the situation?”
To recap, if it seems as though the porn actors are under high emotional labor, your girlfriend will likely have a hard time getting into the porn video. You want you and your resistant girlfriend to experience the benefits of pornography; therefore, don’t scare her away by showing her porn’s poor-quality videos.
Keep It Simple
Unless you know that your resistant girlfriend is going to love a specific type of porn, keep it vanilla. Hold off on showing them group sex, bondage, and other kink behaviors. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong these activities. They may simply be a little much for a first-time viewer of pornography. Once again, you want to ease them into it. Think about it this way: when introducing someone to your favorite t.v. show, you want to show them an episode that’s easy to digest.
Be Open to Questions and Resistance
To reiterate, you’re trying to get your resistant girlfriend to see the positive side of pornography. However, there are legitimate concerns with porn, which U.S. society often emphasizes. The stigma for consuming porn is very real, especially if you’re a woman; therefore, be open to questions and resistance when introducing pornography to your girlfriend. Here are some common ones to be ready for.
- “What’s the point of watching porn?”
- “Why watch porn when we have each other?”
- “Why do we need to watch pornography?”
- “Am I objectifying women by watching porn?”
- “Isn’t it cheating if a person masturbates to porn when they’re in a relationship?”
These are common, valid questions to ask, so be prepared to answer them in a calm, non-judgmental way. To reiterate, porn can simply be a tool for one’s sexual satisfaction. It can allow for exploration of one’s preferences, while also allowing the person to satisfy their sexual needs independently. For instance, just because you decide to get dinner on your own doesn’t mean that you hate eating with your girlfriend. So, how does this tie into cheating and objectification?
In regards to cheating, porn can simply be a sexual tool, similar to a vibrator. However, there are certainly some red flags. Issues arise if one prioritizes porn over having sex with their partner. Another argument for cyber-infidelity would be if the partner develops an attachment to a very specific porn actor. Concerning objectification, problems occur if the person only sees men or women as sexual objects, as opposed to the complex individuals that they are. Liking a person’s body isn’t innately problematic; it becomes an issue when that’s all we see. Because of all this, pornography can add to a couple’s sex life without threatening it.
Starting the Conversation
Now that you have the foundation for getting your resistant girlfriend into porn, how do you actually start the conversation? First, bring up the subject when the two of you are in a good or neutral mood. Next, explain how porn can be a shared activity that enhances the relationship, not threaten it. Following this, ask your girlfriend if you can show her a pornographic video that they may like. If they say no, don’t push the subject and simply accept her decision. If she consents to seeing the video, make sure you take some time helping her process it afterwards. Be open and patient with her thoughts and questions. Following this, take a break from mentioning porn; don’t hound her. Do other sexual activities with your girlfriend to remind her that porn is a tool to enhance, not to replace.
Why Get Your Girlfriend into Porn?
After discussing all the necessary steps, let’s talk about why one should even bother getting their resistant girlfriend into pornography. Once again, porn is not inherently sexist, misogynistic, or objectifying. Though there are a good number of porn videos that can be problematic, there are also numerous videos that aren’t. Claiming pornography to always be bad is similar to saying that alcohol is always damaging. Alcoholism, drunk driving, and impaired judgment are all consequences of drinking; at the same time, alcohol can be pleasing to a person’s taste buds, serve as a social lubricant, be a fun activity among friends, and a way to celebrate special occasions. Pornography is very similar.
One benefit of pornography is that is allows the person to explore various sexual interests from the safety of their minds. For example, one could test their interest in the delicate area of rape-play while being alone and within the comfort of their room. This sexual exploration also works for the couple. If you and your girlfriend want to mix things up but don’t know how, internet pornography allows the two of you search new sexual behaviors. The two of you can explore an entire fantasy world together without actually engaging in any behaviors. Another benefit is that if the pornography is appealing and you are in a safe relationship, you can then experiment with incorporating the ideas you found appealing into your sex life. However, before you can reap the benefits of pornography, you have to get your resistant girlfriend into it.
Putting It All Together
So, you understand the benefits of pornography, and you want your resistant girlfriend to know as well. Before showing her an introductory porn video, you first decide to reflect on your partner’s sexual attitudes and behaviors. After tailoring your search to mirror your girlfriend’s tastes, you then assess the videos’ emotional labor. You want to make sure that there’s enough authenticity to keep your partner engaged. Following all of this, you finally decide on a video that’s not only authentic and reflective of your partner, but one that is also tame. Finally, you prepare yourself for your girlfriend’s questions and resistance. You do all of this because you can see the benefits of porn, and you want to share them with your partner. After reading this article, you are now fully capable of doing just that.
