Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Boredom
Sexual Boredom: Are you tired of the same monotonous sexual routines in the bedroom? Frustrated with your spouses’ sexual inhibitions or lack of creativity in touching you? You may be bored. Don’t worry, you aren’t alone- your spouse is most likely bored as well! Many men and women in overall happy marriages find themselves feeling passionless towards their spouse. A passionless rut, while unpleasant, is a common experience in long term relationships.
Creating Passion and Breaking the Cycle of boredom. The general theory is that people are creatures of habit. Over time, habits become predictable. Predictability is routine and lacks the elements of surprise and wonder. Good sex over time entails a mixture of “spontaneity,” “Excitement” and “adrenalized.” Good sex requires time. Unfortunately, in long term relationships, many people stop devoting the same level of energy towards their sex life because other areas of their relationship are prioritized. In long term relationships: financial planning, parenting, cultivating friendships, caring for aging parents, work, the daily tasks of living, and energy spent deepening the emotional conversations assume an increasing role. Sex is often one of the first areas of a relationship to go.
In the early stages of your relationship, I’d venture to guess that you often went out of your way to dress up for your lover, or at least shower. Furthermore, you probably told other your parents, friends and work NO so that you could have enough time and energy to be with your boyfriend / girlfriend. Lastly, you were likely more subtle about your sexual needs, desires and wants. I bet you didn’t dare to verbally schedule sex in the first months. More likely you used coded language.
Lastly, even if you weren’t thrilled with all of the sexual interactions you were likely far more gracious and positive about what worked well and more willing to try. Sometimes in long term relationships people can become too direct about what is not working well. Ironically, becoming creative in the bedroom often requires taking risks. People are most likely to take risks when they like you perceive them to be a rock star in the bedroom.
Concrete Steps to Break the Cycle of Boredom
- Make eye contact. They say that the window to a person’s soul is through their eyes. Eyes never lie. Take a few minutes and try to connect with your eyes. Having sex with your eyes locked is a radically different experience than having sex with your eyes looking away. Looking at your spouse during sexual play increases the intimacy because people often feel more vulnerable. You are forced to recognize that there is another person in the room – thus preventing you from getting lost in your own sexual world.
- Linger on her words. Focus on what she is saying. Ask questions. Recall what she said before to you in past conversations and link the ideas together.
- Make time for your partner.
- Treat your partner the way you might treat a potential stranger you were trying to impress. Brush your hair, put on some nice clothes, straighten up the house, get all the busy work done so that this person could have your undivided attention.
- Focus on their intimate needs. Maybe your partner wants romance, emotional connection or something sexually different?
- Try talking sexy and/or dirty with your partner. If you have never done this before, start by using sexy positive language “a) your moans are turning me on. B) Relax, I’m not going anywhere. I could be here all night with you. C) I could touch you legs all night long. They feel so good.
- Play the A-B game. To do so, touch your partner two different ways. The first touch is Choice A. The second touch is Choice B. Then ask your partner to identify which touch they liked better. Whatever is chosen becomes Choice A. Then repeat. This exercise is similar to going to the eye doctor’s. While doing this exercise remember the styles of touch that are enjoyed today, may not be liked tomorrow. People’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom can be influenced by the order of touch, the mood of the person and the person’s emotional desire.
- During intercourse change your positions. If you normally engage in the missionary position, try doggy style, or spooning. Maybe change the location. Have sex in the car, on the floor in the kitchen, standing in the shower.
- Take the initiative and do what you want in the bedroom – stop waiting for your partner to be in control. Sometimes switching the power roles allows for each person to feel re-energized.
- Blindfold or handcuff your partner. Take control.
- Mirror your partner, so that whatever movements they create, you echo. People typically touch you the way they like to be touched. Thus theoretically by mirroring them, you will be touching them just the way they like it!
- Switch up your typical style of kissing. If you usually give wet kisses, try dry kisses. If your kisses are long and passionate, go for short ones.
- If you rarely talk, try verbally connecting longer than usual.
- Get rid of your TV and other distractions in the bedroom. Having a sparse room will help keep the focus on the two of you.
- Experiment with different types of pressure to caress your partner.
- Write your own erotica and share it with your partner. Or if you are not the creative type, read some erotica that other people wrote.
- Evoke fantasy. Create a future sexual fantasy. Something that the two of you could do together in the future. The sexual acts should not be based in reality. Get creative. Think of making up your own science fiction novel – with a sexual twist.
- As opposed to the typical progression of kissing, breast play, genital play and eventual intercourse, experiment with a new order. Try genital play, breast stimulation, kissing, and intercourse- try new things such as ear stimulation as well. Take a break from monotony!
- Experiment with a sexual act that the two of you have not done before, anal play, nipple clamps, vibrators, handcuffs, food, lubricatant.
- Attend an S&M ball or swing club together.
- Focus on sexual sensations – see if you can identify what types of touch turn you on or off, and share the positive stories with your partner.
- Make time to have good sex. Too often, sex is too rushed. Good sex often begins the night before with a long build-up.
- Go to your local bookstore and pick up a sex book. Peruse it with your partner and discuss what you just read. Talk about which ideas turned you on, and which ones you were averse to.
- Try describe to each other what your general turn ons / turn offs are. In what way do you meet each other’s expectations?