BDSM with Household Items

Posted by: Center for Growth Therapists

You and your partner may be eager to delve into the Bondage/ Discipline/ Submission/ Domination (BDSM) world, but may not be ready to go to the store to buy toys. There are some easily found household items that you can use to begin your sexual exploration. However, understanding the limitations of these items and the impact the tools can have is important. Before we discuss the actual items, it is crucial you discuss limits and expectations with your partner. If you and your partner have different expectations and these ideas are not communicated to one another, the experience could not go well. For example, if one partner pushes a certain behavior and the other partner agrees without fully understanding, then the partner may end up being completely turned off from trying again

Expectations: Discuss with your partner what you want and what you expect. For example, telling your partner “I want to be bound to the bed by my wrists and blindfolded.” Show them how tight or how loose you want to be bound either before or during the “scene”.  A Scene is the act of participating in BDSM roles and practice. For example, the dominant starts out the scene by spanking his submissive.

Safe Words: Safe words are essential to BDSM scenes to ensure safety of all parties. Pick words other than STOP that mean you want the scene to cease. “Stop” sometimes could be used in the scene and you want to be clear with your partner when you want to stop. For example, a particular scene may highlight dominance and struggle as a turn on, thus saying “stop” is part of the scene. Popular safe words include Green, Yellow, and Red. Green means keep going, Yellow means that you may have reached your limit but still want to continue at that pace, and Red means the scene needs to end now, stop everything immediately. I would suggest choosing 3 words like these that encompass the same meaning. If you can’t speak because your mouth is being occupied, you can use hand signs such as putting up one or two fingers to communicate whether you want your partner to keep going, continue at that pace, or stop completely.

Check in! Constantly check in with your partner during the Scene. Sometimes differentiating between your partner’s enjoyment and when the Scene is getting unsafe is difficult. Since endorphins are constantly released during BDSM scenes, your partner may be unaware that they have been injured. Checking in with your partner frequently can be helpful while starting to explore BDSM.

Aftercare: Aftercare is how you take care of yourself and your partner after the Scene. BDSM Scenes can take a lot of active and emotional energy, so aftercare is suggested at the end the scene by cuddling and caressing your partner to truly solidify connection, bonding, and a safe feeling.

 

Now let’s discuss some household items you can use to start exploring BDSM.

 

Light Bondage

Light bondage is simple erotic restraint. Bondage includes simply getting comfortable and allowing your partner to restrain your wrists, and possibly your feet. Exploring some light bondage options can be a great way to bring some kink into the bedroom. Just in case anything goes wrong, keeping a pair of scissors around for easy removal of bondage material is important.

·       Ties and scarfs can be used to restrain wrists and can be a helpful introduction to bondage because ties and scarfs are made out of soft material and are often found in the home.  However, be aware that untying the knots from these specific materials can be tricky. Keep in mind that as the person pulls on the restraints the fabric can be tightened more and it will be harder to get the knot out. Slip knots can be helpful to make the restraints easy to get out of if needed.

·       Tape: Stay away from scotch tape because removal can cause pain since non-bondage tape sticks to the skin. Masking tape is a little less harsh on the skin but tape still can irritate or harm the skin. If you still want to try household tape, just keep these notes in mind when you use the tape.

 

Limitations of light bondage: Some folks may not be able to participate in light bondage because of chronic pain or vascular issues. However, you can have a conversation with your partner to see how both of you can modify usage. For example, using cuffs may be easier for vascular issues because the cuffs can be as loose as preferred. Tape is more difficult to control how loose the restraint stays, whereas cuff tightness can be steadily maintained. Different positions may work better for others! Being bound while lying down may be difficult but sitting up in a chair may be more comfortable.

 

Sensation Deprivation

Removing additional senses can intensify the erotic experience. Placing a blindfold over the eyes or ear plugs in the ears further enhances the feeling of loss of control. When one sense is removed, the other senses become stronger. For example, if you take away sight, your touch sense becomes heightened, making the sensation stronger. You can be creative when thinking of what to use as a blindfold since the eyes are a small area to cover.

·       Make sure the fabric of what you use is soft and malleable because the eyes are a sensitive area. You can use a shirt, boxers, a scarf, cloth headband, etc. All of these items would cover the eyes or even the mouth.

·       The mouth is a common area to restrict because the inability to make a sound is often found to be a turn on. Covering the mouth is not necessarily to deprive the sense of taste, but to deprive the person of their voice, which can be used as a sense during sex. Make sure to check in frequently because placing fabric over the mouth makes communication difficult.

·       Take away the sense of sound! Placing ear muffs or ear phones on your partner will keep them guessing on your next move. The anticipation of the unknown can be a turn on for many.

 

Painful Pleasures

Spanking is a form of BDSM that can be considered either light or heavy bondage depending on how the spanking is done or the tool that is used. Spanking feels painful yet pleasurable for some people because of the endorphins that are released when the body feels pain. When we feel pain, our body releases dopamine and serotonin in order to create balance within our bodies again. That’s why spanking can feel so good!

·       A simple way to start with spanking is with a hand! Start light and see how your partner feels. Having your fingers spaced out or cupping your hand can create a different impact. Once again, make sure that expectations, limits, and safe-words are discussed before experimenting.

·       Hairbrush: The backside of a FLAT hairbrush has a similar impact to a paddle. Using a hairbrush for spanking can be helpful to get a sense of how a paddle may feel. However, understand that a hairbrush is not made for spanking, so be cautious of how hard you spank your partner. Start off with light intensity. There is no rush.

·       A wooden spoon: A wooden spoon is actually commonly used for spanking, but a wooden spoon has an extremely painful impact. For spanking, you want to use the backside of the spoon (the part that you do not scoop with!). As far as spanking toys go, the wooden spoon has the most painful impact on your partner. Please be aware of this and communicate with your partner before trying the spoon.

Spanking Cautions:  Spanking should be done on places that tend to have more fat/cushion for the impact, such as the butt or thighs. Never spank above the peak of the buttocks because you can damage the kidneys or tail-bone. 70% of spanking is often done on the fattiest part of the bottom. The other 30% can occur on upper thighs and “sit spot” (the part of your bottom you sit on).

Positions: You can try bending over your partner’s lap, kneeling on your knees and hands, or bend over furniture like a bed, couch, or sink. All of these positions make sure that the butt is exposed for a good, fun spanking.

 

Starting with tools that can be found in the home is a great way to experiment with BDSM without the hassle or stress of purchasing items at a store that you may not end up enjoying. Once you and your partner(s) get warmed up and get the sense of what you like, then you can venture on to the store feeling a little more comfortable and sure of what you desire, or you don’t have to go to the store at all. Contact the Center for Growth if you are interested in speaking with a therapist about exploring BDSM ideas with your partner.